Not Having It All

I’ve come across a few articles in the past week or so that have really caused me to think about and reassess what I’m doing here, with my life and with my family. The articles address the whole “working-mom-balance” topic. Of course, the media always loves to pit the working mom against the stay-at-home mom and vice versa, which I find completely unfair and downright annoying, but these articles seem to offer an honest look at the struggle women have with balancing life, careers and children. I find the topic fascinating because I once believed the lie that we can “have it all.” That is, until I went back to work and realized, in fact, I couldn’t have it all. It was physically and emotionally impossible to be the parent I wanted to be and also have the career I wanted. Instead of being good at everything, I found myself being only mediocre at everything. I was missing out on so much with the kids and turning down projects at work so that I wouldn’t have to travel or work long hours. It became clear to me in the same way that “you can’t have your cake and eat it too,” that “having it all” is on every level false and impossible to achieve. Even looking at it from an economical standpoint there is always an "opportunity cost" to every decision. Period.

Therefore, I really appreciated Ms. Slaughter’s commentary (and honesty) on the subject. Her article:

Why Women Still Can’t Have It All

“The women now in their 60s, 70s, and 80s who faced overt sexism of a kind I see only when watching Mad Men, and who knew that the only way to make it as a woman was to act exactly like a man. To admit to, much less act on, maternal longings would have been fatal to their careers. But precisely thanks to their progress, a different kind of conversation is now possible. It is time for women in leadership positions to recognize that although we are still blazing trails and breaking ceilings, many of us are also reinforcing a falsehood: that “having it all” is, more than anything, a function of personal determination.”

The response and debate:

Elite Women Put a New Spin on an Old Debate

“Women of my generation have clung to the feminist credo we were raised with ... because we are determined not to drop the flag for the next generation,” Ms. Slaughter wrote. “But when many members of the younger generation have stopped listening, on the grounds that glibly repeating ‘you can have it all’ is simply airbrushing reality, it is time to talk.” Instead, Ms. Slaughter said, the workplace needs to adapt, and women who opt out have no need to apologize.

Another perspective:

Motherhood Is a Calling (And Where Your Children Rank)

“Christian mothers carry their children in hostile territory. When you are in public with them, you are standing with, and defending, the objects of cultural dislike. You are publicly testifying that you value what God values, and that you refuse to value what the world values. You stand with the defenseless and in front of the needy. You represent everything that our culture hates, because you represent laying down your life for another—and laying down your life for another represents the gospel.”

Ultimately, as the last article discussed, whether you work or not, your children know where they rank based on your actions and attitude. 

Still, I think it’s an important discussion. The world is changing and women’s roles have changed significantly over the last 50 years. Good or bad, we have options. Still, the principles in the Bible never change. God has given us a huge responsibility when He blessed us with children. So, how do we piece all of that together in our own lives? In my journey, the answer to the work-or-don’t-work question is: “no, not right now…but maybe someday.” For now, my career is my children and I will never regret the time, resources and energy I pour into them; and whether I go back to work or not will be decided by my ultimate boss, God. Finally, the point is our families ought to be our top priority, regardless of whether we work or not.